“Today I will kill myself,” he whispered under his breath as he stared out the subway window. The florescent tube lights overhead buzzed and flickered as the train moved closer to the final stop. Hearing it out loud did not frighten him and he took comfort in this. He looked to his left at the only other passenger on board to make sure they hadn't overheard.
It was a woman in a business suit, engrossed in a novel. She had kicked off her high heels and was sitting with her legs curled underneath her, as if she were in an armchair at home and not speeding underneath Toronto in a metal tube that smelled like urine and fast food.
He watched as she twirled a strand of long black hair around a well manicured finger. His heart lurched at the familiar gesture and he had to look away. Tears welled up in his eyes and he fought to keep them at bay. “No more crying,” he thought. “I will join you soon my love.”
This thought calmed him as he glanced at his watch. Three minutes until the train arrived at the next gate, where he would get off for the last time. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to go back to that day for the first time since it happened six months ago.
He had surprised her with tickets to her favourite Broadway show, The Phantom of the Opera. When she came home they were sitting on the chair she always flopped down onto first and she had squealed with delight, throwing herself into his arms.
“You better hurry up and get dressed my love, the show starts in two hours,” he said, grinning at her excitement.
He had watched her as she bounded up the stairs to change, overcome with love for this woman who filled his life with such energy and passion. A smile spread across his face as he listened to her humming “Think of Me” off key.
They never caught the person who pushed her in front of the subway car that night. Her face was frozen in his mind, her perfect mouth an O of surprise, her eyes wide with shock as she reached for him and then disappeared forever. It had taken four men to hold him back as the train crushed the body of the only woman he had ever loved, his reason for living. He had shoved every thought of her from his mind from that day on.The robotic voice overhead announced that they were pulling into the station. The woman was slipping her feet back into her shoes and smoothing her skirt over her knees. She caught his eye and smiled at him, a friendly smile, nothing more. He turned away from her and took a deep breath.
“Soon babe.” He stood up as the doors slid open. He waited as the woman passed by him and exited the train. He was about to step out when he noticed she had left her book on the seat. He snatched it up and ran after her.“Miss?” he called out. Startled, he looked around at the empty platform. The doors slid shut behind him with a thud and the train pulled out, leaving him in silence. He ran his hand though his hair, confused. There was no way she could have disappeared so quickly. He shook his head. It didn't matter. He was here, where it started and where he would end it.
He glanced absently at the book in his hand, then quickly dropped it.
“No,” he whispered. “No.”
The book had fallen face up, it's title in white text against a bold black background.
Think Of Me.
He sank to his knees as the final train, his train, arrived. Voices filled the air as people filed out, some glancing curiously at the man clutching a book and laughing.
©2011
